a way out of your head, dead, death, depression, dominance, emotions, family, Fear, Feelings, Fetlife, Him, hopeless, Ignorance, insight, Judgement, life, loss, perspective, random thoughts, relationships, sadness, submissive, thoughts
So, I did a thing.
I reached out to the lady who killed my husband a little over 3 months ago.
(This is the lady.)
I sent her a text. I don’t know if she will respond. If she doesn’t, then I don’t think I will ever have peace of mind.
I wasn’t angry. Just wanted to know how she was holding up. honestly genuinely concerned.
Today is not such a good day for me.
I miss you Bear….
I am afraid to fall in love again.
In exchange for gaining something wonderful,
the torment experienced when losing it is even greater.
So is it better not to have it in the first place?
Feelings suck and I am caught in the middle.
Why do I do this to myself?
Because I got attached to you more then I should of?
Because being alone is the scariest thing on earth for me?
I am not talking about being with anyone sexually..
Just companionship. You are my best friend after I lost everything.
You managed to understand me in ways others don’t.
I promised you that I would never go away.
I would be here and here I am…
But you are toying with my emotions.
You may not mean to.
You communicate then ignore me for periods.
I wait for a connection again.
My emotions run rampant.
YOU – will be my ending and YOU don’t realize it.
You are my only connection with life and being able to feel. That is in your hands and I don’t think you realize it.
If you are keeping me around, then keep me. If you want me to go away, then tell me.
UNTIL THEN, I SIT AND WAIT.
I started a new job Monday – it is fairly easy.
Although I am in observation stage at the Center right now, I am doing fairly well and retaining this stuff from what I am told.
I am waiting for my class mates to all get situated before we get into the classroom situation. That could be another week before that all happens. In the mean time, I have some amazing teachers here that are showing me things.
So far I have been able to do all the things, except poke people. *SQUEE*
Well, I am going to go now, lunch is almost over.
I miss you Bear!
I’ve been avoiding writing here. I have been avoiding talking about my feelings all together.
April 22, 2017 – we were married. That was a wonderful time. The happiest I could ever be. We made our wedding cake together. You cooked for everyone. The 3 yrs we had together was absolutely fabulous.
On June 7th 2017 @ approaximently 550am – my life was torn apart. I’ve tried to understand this and figure out my why.
I got the answer to the cause but I will never understand why you were called away.
The cause was because some lady was in a rush. Had no patience and passed another car without paying attention to you coming. She hit you my sweet love. Head on. Killing you instantly. All because she was in a rush.
A father, son, husband – lover, best fiend & soul mate.
I wished I could have you back just for a day. I need your words that everything will be okay. I need your words that I can do this. Because right now, I don’t feel like I can. I need to know you’re okay where you are.
People say that time heals. I think they are wrong. Everyday seems like it is harder and harder to deal with. Just putting on a fake it so you can make it smile to press on through the day. I lay awake at night and my mind races.
I wished you were here. I don’t understand this.
It was supposed to be me and you against the world.
Your birthday was the 29th of June. You would have been 38. Your mom & Megan made your favorite cake. The kids sang you Happy Birthday. I hope you were able to see.
I love you PoppaBear. I really wished it was me & not you. The world lost a great man.
He knows how to make me smile.
He is my future.
A man who see’s me at my worst and challenges me to be my best.
In a little under a month, we will be married.
(My Bear was a Pup on snapchat for International Pup Day.)