More D


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I went to the Dr. today.

He says, “You need more D in your life.”

I’m not sure weather or not if he was talking about vitamins or dick. 

Either way he is correct. *LoL*


Reaching Out


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So, I did a thing. 

I reached out to the lady who killed my husband a little over 3 months ago.

(This is the lady.)

I sent her a text. I don’t know if she will respond. If she doesn’t, then I don’t think I will ever have peace of mind.

I wasn’t angry. Just wanted to know how she was holding up. honestly genuinely concerned. 

Today is not such a good day for me.

°°°Just Breathe°°°

I miss you Bear….



Feelings Suck… You will be my ending and you don’t even realize it.


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Feelings suck and I am caught in the middle.

Why do I do this to myself?

Because I got attached to you more then I should of?

Because being alone is the scariest thing on earth for me?

I am not talking about being with anyone sexually..

Just companionship. You are my best friend after I lost everything.

You managed to understand me in ways others don’t.

I promised you that I would never go away.

I would be here and here I am…

But you are toying with my emotions.

You may not mean to.

You communicate then ignore me for periods.

I wait for a connection again.

My emotions run rampant.

YOU – will be my ending and YOU don’t realize it.

You are my only connection with life and being able to feel. That is in your hands and I don’t think you realize it.

If you are keeping me around, then keep me. If you want me to go away, then tell me.




Started a New Job!


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I started a new job Monday – it is fairly easy.

Although I am in observation stage at the Center right now, I am doing fairly well and retaining this stuff from what I am told.

I am waiting for my class mates to all get situated before we get into the classroom situation. That could be another week before that all happens. In the mean time, I have some amazing teachers here that are showing me things.


So far I have been able to do all the things, except poke people. *SQUEE*

Well, I am going to go now, lunch is almost over.




I Look At Your Picture Every Day


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     I stare at your picture at least once a day. Wondering what you are doing today. How you are feeling… How you are processing all this… Then I stare at his picture. Trying to remember the words he said to me that morning before he left for work.
     Everyday, I sit and try to peace this together. Why it happened. What were you doing at that time? I know what he was doing. He was going about his way to work as he did everyday, riding his bike… It was very routine for him. Why did you HAVE to pass that car? Why was it that important to be that much in a hurry that morning? Why didn’t you double check to make sure no one was coming before passing? It isn’t like you couldn’t see him… His bike had extra lights and he was bright yellow.
     I even went back to the scene – I know you wanted to reach out – I spoke to the homeowner also. We missed each other that day by about 30 minutes… But you didn’t try hard enough to reach me or his family.. I found you on FB. I looked through your pictures everyday until you deactivated it…. I was trying to study you… You honestly don’t look like a bad person.
       But I still can’t help but wonder why…. Why is it fair? He is dead and you walk away with some guilt. Your family gets you everyday and we don’t…..
      Funny thing is I have tried and tried and tried to stay positive about this whole thing. Giving the situation the benefit of the doubt. Slowly my resolve is turning to anger and extreme hurt because I do not process the ability to speed dial the all mighty creator and ask what the fuck he was thinking that morning. I bounce now between blaming your ignorance for being in a hurry and passing another car and a internal battle with the creators…
      This has definataly made me question life. It had made our children question everything.
      I do not wish you any harm every in your existence. What I do wish is my heart, my husband, best friend to visit your dreams every night and he sits and speaks with you. I hope you have conversations for eternity and you see him in the clouds when you are awake. At least then, you can get to know the man you took away from us and his family.
     I know you removed your Facebook, but I hope you find this message one day. May the peace be with you Dear Lesley and may Bear visit you.

When The Fates Call You Home


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I miss you Bear!

I’ve been avoiding writing here. I have been avoiding talking about my feelings all together.

April 22, 2017 – we were married. That was a wonderful time. The happiest I could ever be. We made our wedding cake together. You cooked for everyone. The 3 yrs we had together was absolutely fabulous.

On June 7th 2017 @ approaximently 550am – my life was torn apart. I’ve tried to understand this and figure out my why. 

I got the answer to the cause but I will never understand why you were called away.

The cause was because some lady was in a rush. Had no patience and passed another car without paying attention to you coming. She hit you my sweet love. Head on. Killing you instantly. All because she was in a rush. 

A father, son, husband – lover, best fiend & soul mate.

I wished I could have you back just for a day. I need your words that everything will be okay. I need your words that I can do this. Because right now, I don’t feel like I can. I need to know you’re okay where you are.

People say that time heals. I think they are wrong. Everyday seems like it is harder and harder to deal with. Just putting on a fake it so you can make it smile to press on through the day. I lay awake at night and my mind races.

I wished you were here. I don’t understand this. 

It was supposed to be me and you against the world.

Your birthday was the 29th of June. You would have been 38. Your mom & Megan made your favorite cake. The kids sang you Happy Birthday. I hope you were able to see. 

I love you PoppaBear. I really wished it was me & not you. The world lost a great man.